Saturday, May 28, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
“Dancing Around the Beast”
Angela Woodhull is a private investigator who is not afraid to expose guardianship & conservatorship abuses. Something has to be done. It's all so very common & heartbreaking.~ Lark E. Kirkwood
She points out the need for reform. For example: "Increased court oversight regarding the selling of the “ward’s” home? Does this additional oversight inhibit The Beast? Not in the least. At the end of the day, the attorney is still paid whether the home of the “ward” was sold at fair market value or below market value and then laundered by the guardian and her friends."
And warns: "If someone decides tomorrow to file a guardianship proceeding upon you that you did not ask for, request, or even need, then you might find yourself having to spend your lifetime of savings on getting yourself OUT of that unwarranted guardianship."Reposted from Elder Abuse Help.Org:
-by-
Angela V. Woodhull, Ph.D.
(licensed private investigator)
(352) 327-3665
(352) 682-9033
If you’re unfamiliar with the saying, “Dancing Around the Beast,” then perhaps a definition of that saying is where I should begin. Yet, according to a search in Almighty Google,
there is no definition for “Dancing Around the Beast.” Likewise, a few books on colloquialisms does not produce any reference to “Dancing Around the Beast.”
Okay. We all know what it means. It’s the “elephant in the room” Or put another way, it’s “skirting the issue.” It’s talking about a “problem” and addressing all of the peripheral issues but never tackling “the problem,” better known as The Beast.
You may be asking, “Well, who is the Beast?” And if you haven’t guessed by now, The Beast, by all means, are attorneys—the primary vultures when you or your loved
one have been placed under an involuntary, predatory guardianship.
What can be done about the Beast?
Those of us who are Civil Rights Guardianship Reform Activists have done several things to confront the Beast.
We’ve:
· Gone to court
· Hired attorneys to fight the Beast (other attorneys)
· Contacted law enforcement (to no avail)
· And, finally, contacted our local legislators, crying, “You need to change the laws! We need guardianship legislative reform!!”
Guardianship Attorneys Are “The Beast”
In a nutshell, The “Beast” is predatory guardianship attorneys who set off to covert all of your assets into attorneys’ fees. And as we saw in the Marie Long case, it doesn’t take long for a team of vulcher-like guardianship attorneys to deplete a $1.3 million estate leaving the victim subsiding on welfare and Medicaid. The “solution”, from public outcry in Arizona, was to demand legislative reform. But that main goal was quickly forgotten.
HR2424 quickly evolved into a pro-guardianship bill.
As guardianship victims go round and round from legislator’s office to legislator’s office looking ways to reform the law, everything is address except for The Beast. Take a look at some of the reforms that all of our efforts have gotten us so far:
· New Law, state of Washington: A guardianship should only be commenced with “clear and convincing evidence.”
The Beast doesn’t care about this law. This law will not stop The Beast. Why? Because there are always medical professionals who will write reports of “clear and convincing evidence” so that a guardianship can be commenced upon anyone.
Take the case of Debra Skulls, for example. When her mother died, she inherited about $250,000.00 and thought she would move in with her brother and his wife. But Skull’s sister-in-law did not like that plan. The solution? Skull was declared by “clear and convincing evidence” mentally incompetent placed under the “care” of a professional guardian who allowed Skull to live in a filthy half way house in the downtown Miami area while Skull’s “guardian” and the guardian’s attorney feasted for two years on Skull’s inheritance. When the $250,000.00 was completely spent, Skull was found by “clear and convincing evidence” to be re-capacitated. Yep. As soon as the guardian and her attorneys spent all of Skull’s money, they found three medical doctors to say that Skull no longer needs a guardian. The Beast therefore continues his dance.
· New California law: Professional guardians are now “monitored” once every two years. Does The Beast care about this law? Not in the least. The Beast will continue to rake up exorbitant attorney’s fees while, at the same time, a new industry has been created—private companies that are hired to monitor professional guardians! And guess who pays for this new level of investigation—The Ward! So, meanwhile, The Beast will continue to happily dance.
Let’s take a look at other passed legislation:
California Bill AB 1363--Enhances court review & expands duties of court investigators
(This bill dances around The Beast by adding another layer to the problem. The court investigators may find that an attorney charged $375 for an item that the court should have paid only $350 for. Therefore, the “Beast” still gets to devour the assets of the elderly person, but it may take a little longer.)
In fact, any of the following bills simply “dances around the beast”:
California SB 1116--Increases court oversight of ward moves & sale of
home.
California SB 1550 --Establishes licensing & disciplinary scheme for
professional fiduciaries.
California SB 1716-- Allows court to take action in response to informal
ex parte complaints & communications.
Florida HB 457-- Enacts recommendations of Guardianship Task
Force.
Florida HB 191-- Enacts amendments concerning less restrictive
alternatives, guardian modification of ward trusts, and court monitors.
because the end result, at the end of the day, is that no one is monitoring or examining The Beast.
The Beast Continues—Unfettered--Despite Any and All
Guardianship Reform Legislation
Does The Beast really care if there is:
· A Guardianship Task Force? (The Guardianship Task force compiled a “report” in 2006. Did this report inhibit the Beast? Not in the least.)
· Increased court oversight regarding the selling of the “ward’s” home? (Does this additional oversight inhibit The Beast? Not in the least. At the end of the day, the attorney is still paid whether the home of the “ward” was sold at fair market value or below market value and then laundered by the guardian and her friends.)
· Increased licensing requirements of professional guardians
(No. At the end of the day, the Beast is still turning in exorbitant fees that the Judge is rubber stamping. It’s just “another day in court” for The Beast.)
And yet another new law was just passed in the state of Kentucky regarding “financial exploitation” of the elderly. Does it sound like a beneficial law that will prompt an investigation of attorneys who convert nearly the entire estate of a “ward” into attorneys’ fees? Of course it does! But what the new Financial Fraud Act of Kentucky actually accomplish? Incredibly, it states is that if a named heir has ever been convicted of a felony, the heir cannot become a guardian or collect his or her share of the estate!
The new Financial Fraud Act of Kentucky actually benefits professional guardians and their attorneys by making it easier for them to exploit the elderly. Once again, The Beast dances away.
HR 2424—
Most recently, in the state of Arizona, Representative David Smith (R) stopped dancing around the Beast and decided to tackle the Beast directly with HR 2424 which, in its original form, stated that attorneys would be limited to taking only $10,000.00 in fees to defend a challenged guardianship. Guardianship associations, however, quickly opposed the bill, and instead introduced their own bill that gives more power and authority to professional guardians. HR 2424 was soon almost dead in the water and instead incorporated into a pro-guardian bill that, of course,eliminated the $10,000.00 cap of attorneys’ fees.
The Beast—at this point—is so experienced at circumventing guardianship legislative reform that you’ll soon see him on Dancing with the Stars.
California Reform of Financial Exploitation of the Elderly and Nursing Home Abuse (CANHR)
Which led me to stumble upon the California Reform of Financial Exploitation of the Elderly and Nursing Home Abuse non-profit organization in California. “Now here is something exciting!” I thought! “An organization that is actually addressing attorneys financially exploiting the elderly!” I couldn’t wait to speak with the director, Pat McGinnis, who claimed in a brief phone conversation with me, that she’s been “fighting the fight” for 27 years. Even though nothing much has been accomplished, according to McGinnis, at least she’s been out there writing grants and her staff attorneys address the California legislature on a regular basis. It was Don Quixote with a law degree and I wanted to speak with him.
Prescott Cole, Staff Attorney, California Reform of Financial Exploitation of the Elderly and Nursing Home Abuse (CANHR)
When I received a call back from CANHR staff attorney, Prescott Cole, I was eager to see what he would suggest as far as authoring legislation that would kill the Beast, or at least tame him dramatically.
I asked Cole, “If I am an elderly person, and my daughter and a professional guardian are battling over whether or not I should be placed under guardianship, why should I be paying for this?”
But Cole had no answer for me. Even though he specializes in “financial exploitation” of the elderly, his investigations into legislative reform never include examining the Beast. Instead,
Cole is the Attorney White Knight who investigates fraudulent insurance companies and shady “reverse mortgage” schemes.
But when I suggested that attorneys are exploiting the elderly by converting a lifetime of savings into attorneys’ fees, this was not a subject that Mr. Cole was interested in pursuing in the least.
The Beast dances again.
Cole suggested that I speak with yet another attorney at CANHR who specializes in guardianship reform.
Alas! I would be put in touch with the “right person” who could tame the Beast!
Disturbing Phone Conversation with Staff Attorney Tony Chicatelle, CANHR
I explained to Chicatelle that I was looking for legislation, similar to what had died in the water in Arizona, where attorneys could be paid no more than a “mere” $10,000.00 in attorneys’ fees for “defending” a guardianship, using the “ward’s” money.
I told him that Norman Lawson, head of the Kentucky Legislative Judicial Committee, stated that there could be a bill that simply states that the “’ward’s’ funds cannot be used for the criminal or civil defense of a guardianship.” End of story.
Chicatelle, however, felt that would be a terrible bill.
And why is that? Because, Chicatelle, in his capacity as the attorney for a non-profit organization, actually is hired to get people out of unnecessary guardianships. “Capping attorneys’ fees,” Chicatelle stated, “would provide a disincentive to fully litigate their rights.”
Yes, you heard me correctly.
So, if someone decides tomorrow to file a guardianship proceeding upon you that you did not ask for, request, or even need, then you might find yourself having to spend your lifetime of savings on getting yourself OUT of that unwarranted guardianship.
Chicatelle, the non-profit extraordinaire, saw absolutely nothing wrong or out of the ordinary with this scenario. Said Chicatelle, “It’s no different that anyone suing you over anything. I can start a frivolous lawsuit over anything on you and you’ll have to spend money to defend yourself. Or, if you are charge with a crime, you’ll have to hire an attorney to defend yourself.”
Chicatelle added, “My freedom means enough to me that if I had to spend my entire lifetime’s savings to get out of a guardianship, I’d do it.”
Chicatelle saw nothing wrong with this scene, which, in actuality, amounts to, more or less, a legalized form of kidnapping and ransom. After all, he is the “non-profit guy” trying to get you “out” of the guardianship that you shouldn’t have ever been placed under in the first place. And so, The Beast continues, dancing away, unfettered.
*****************
Tomorrow is another day. There will be other civil rights guardianship reform advocates calling up legislators and visiting their 22-year-old legislative side kicks, their eyes glazed over as they feign interest in the subject matter of guardianship reform. There will even be a smitten of legislators taking their own phone calls, some vowing to “’reform’ the guardianship laws.” Some will get a bill or two passed, and there will be a new “tightening” on the restraints of what professional guardians can and cannot do. But the “dance around the beast” will remain, unaddressed.
And the Beast will continue his dance—unfettered--until the federal government seriously steps in and takes the Fourteenth Amendment (life, liberty, and property cannot be removed without due process) seriously. Converting one’s entire lifetime of savings into attorneys’ fees is the dancing beast that needs to be seriously addressed by our federal legislators.
**********************************
Angela V. Woodhull, Ph.D.
licensed private investigator
(352) 327-3665
(352) 682-9033
Friday, April 29, 2011
Music Has Power
The Institute for Music and Neurologic Function, a member of the Beth Abraham Family of Health Services, is a nonprofit 501 (c)(3) agency founded in 1995 to restore, maintain and improve people's physical, emotional and neurologic functioning through the systematic use of music. For more information, visit www.imnf.org or call (718) 519-5840.
Music Memory and the Mind
Opera star Deborah Voight performs for Alzheimer's patients. Discussion follows with Oliver Sacks and other Neuroscientists.
Oliver Sacks - Musicophilia - Alzheimer's/The Power of Music
Oliver Sacks talks about Alzheimer's and the power of music.
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9781400033539
iPods for Alzheimer's
Based on 30 years of clinical experience, the Institute for Music and Neurologic Function (IMNF), a leader in research and clinical music therapy programs for persons with Alzheimer's and dementia, has partnered with Music and Memory.org to launch the Well-Tuned: Music Players for Health iPod Program to allow Alzheimer's patients to access the benefits of therapeutic music remotely.
Through the Well-Tuned: Music Players for Health program, IMNF music therapists and other specialists work with family members and caregivers to create a customized list of music, specifically tailored for the individual with Alzheimer's. The music is then loaded onto an iPod and listened to in order to stabilize mood, reduce tension and improve overall quality of life. The program is customized for individuals, nursing homes and community-based programs. It's an easy and affordable way to bring therapeutic music programming anywhere. More info on the Well-Tuned: Music Players for Health program can be found at http://www.bethabe.org/Top_10s_for_Memory327.html.
What it Means to "Guard" & "Conserve"
From: National Association to Stop Guardian Abuse
The purpose of the law - known both as guardianship and conservatorship is to “GUARD” and “CONSERVE”
* To GUARD “incapacitated” or “incompetent” people from harming
themselves
* To CONSERVE their assets and property; and
* To prevent them from becoming a “public charge.”
BUT SOMETHING’S GONE TERRIBLY WRONG!
Over the years, a growing uncaring and unjust judicial system has helped convert guardianship/conservatorship from an appropriate law to one which, if misused, is damaging to the general public. At present, it operates to ensnare the most vulnerable people in a larger and larger trawling net, now including those merely physically "incapacitated"! It has become a feeding trough for unethical lawyers and other "fiduciaries" appointed by the courts to protect, but many of whom become nothing more than predators.
Wards, instead of being protected by the system, are victimized by it. Strangers are given total and absolute control of life, liberty, and property of their wards. Wards of the state lose all rights involving self-determination, including:
• the right to contract, including the right to choose a lawyer;
• the right to control their assets and make financial decisions;
• the right to remain in their own home and protect it from sale;
• the right to protect and enjoy their personal property;
• the right to choose where to live;
• the right to accept or refuse medical treatment, including psychotropic drugs;
• the right to decide their social environments and contacts;
• the right to assure prompt payment of taxes and liabilities;
• the right to vote;
• the right to drive;
• the right to marry; and
• the right to complain.
After being stripped of all their rights, wards are left defenseless and subject to exploitation by the very people chosen to protect them; they are now invisible and voiceless.
Uncaring/corrupt judges misuse the law and engage in blatant due process, civil/human rights violations. Victims aren’t always given notice of hearings at which their competence will be adjudicated, aren’t always allowed to attend, and often don’t have lawyers. If the court does appoint lawyers, often they are too closely affiliated with other professionals who make their living in this special area; and do not properly represent the victims’ interests. Corrupt judges do not apply the required evidentiary standards in making adjudications of incompetency, and frequently fail to obey the protective statutes, or include specific findings of fact.
Homes are sold to insiders at below market! Contents - family heirlooms, jewelry, photographs, etc. - disappear, either stolen outright or sold at auction. Estate assets are rapidly paid out to the fiduciaries in exorbitant "fees" and "commissions" until there is nothing left!
“Fiduciaries” are given power of life and death, burying their wards in nursing homes where they are kept chemically restrained with unnecessary and dangerous drugs; family members are denied any say in their care, and sometimes denied visitation, except under guard at their own expense!
Hard to believe this is happening in America? Believe it!
AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THE COURT-APPOINTED FIDUCIARIES TAKE EVERYTHING AND LEAVE THEIR WARDS WITH NOTHING? A shocking twist: the American Taxpayer, whom these statutes are supposed to protect, is actually now PAYING THE TAB FOR THEIR CONTINUED LIFELONG CARE UNDER MEDICAID while the people who are "licensed to steal" enjoy their unearned and unjust enrichment. INSTEAD OF PROTECTING THE PUBLIC INTEREST, GUARDIANSHIP HAS INDEED BECOME A BURDEN TO THE TAXPAYER!… an extremely ironic, costly, and appalling consequence of a good law gone bad! Some fiduciaries claim that what they're doing (while filling their pockets) is to "spend down" the assets specifically to qualify the ward for Medicaid! No way!!! That's not what the law intended!
The purpose of the law - known both as guardianship and conservatorship is to “GUARD” and “CONSERVE”
* To GUARD “incapacitated” or “incompetent” people from harming
themselves
* To CONSERVE their assets and property; and
* To prevent them from becoming a “public charge.”
BUT SOMETHING’S GONE TERRIBLY WRONG!
Over the years, a growing uncaring and unjust judicial system has helped convert guardianship/conservatorship from an appropriate law to one which, if misused, is damaging to the general public. At present, it operates to ensnare the most vulnerable people in a larger and larger trawling net, now including those merely physically "incapacitated"! It has become a feeding trough for unethical lawyers and other "fiduciaries" appointed by the courts to protect, but many of whom become nothing more than predators.
Wards, instead of being protected by the system, are victimized by it. Strangers are given total and absolute control of life, liberty, and property of their wards. Wards of the state lose all rights involving self-determination, including:
• the right to contract, including the right to choose a lawyer;
• the right to control their assets and make financial decisions;
• the right to remain in their own home and protect it from sale;
• the right to protect and enjoy their personal property;
• the right to choose where to live;
• the right to accept or refuse medical treatment, including psychotropic drugs;
• the right to decide their social environments and contacts;
• the right to assure prompt payment of taxes and liabilities;
• the right to vote;
• the right to drive;
• the right to marry; and
• the right to complain.
After being stripped of all their rights, wards are left defenseless and subject to exploitation by the very people chosen to protect them; they are now invisible and voiceless.
Uncaring/corrupt judges misuse the law and engage in blatant due process, civil/human rights violations. Victims aren’t always given notice of hearings at which their competence will be adjudicated, aren’t always allowed to attend, and often don’t have lawyers. If the court does appoint lawyers, often they are too closely affiliated with other professionals who make their living in this special area; and do not properly represent the victims’ interests. Corrupt judges do not apply the required evidentiary standards in making adjudications of incompetency, and frequently fail to obey the protective statutes, or include specific findings of fact.
Homes are sold to insiders at below market! Contents - family heirlooms, jewelry, photographs, etc. - disappear, either stolen outright or sold at auction. Estate assets are rapidly paid out to the fiduciaries in exorbitant "fees" and "commissions" until there is nothing left!
“Fiduciaries” are given power of life and death, burying their wards in nursing homes where they are kept chemically restrained with unnecessary and dangerous drugs; family members are denied any say in their care, and sometimes denied visitation, except under guard at their own expense!
Hard to believe this is happening in America? Believe it!
AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THE COURT-APPOINTED FIDUCIARIES TAKE EVERYTHING AND LEAVE THEIR WARDS WITH NOTHING? A shocking twist: the American Taxpayer, whom these statutes are supposed to protect, is actually now PAYING THE TAB FOR THEIR CONTINUED LIFELONG CARE UNDER MEDICAID while the people who are "licensed to steal" enjoy their unearned and unjust enrichment. INSTEAD OF PROTECTING THE PUBLIC INTEREST, GUARDIANSHIP HAS INDEED BECOME A BURDEN TO THE TAXPAYER!… an extremely ironic, costly, and appalling consequence of a good law gone bad! Some fiduciaries claim that what they're doing (while filling their pockets) is to "spend down" the assets specifically to qualify the ward for Medicaid! No way!!! That's not what the law intended!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Music Training May Help Keep Aging Brain Healthy >> Caring.com
Reposted from:
Caring.com
MONDAY, April 25 (HealthDay News) -- Music lessons may help keep the brain healthy as people grow older, a new study suggests.
Researchers from the University of Kansas Medical Center divided 70 healthy adults, ages 60 to 83, into three groups based on their amount of musical experience: no musical training, one to nine years of music lessons, and at least 10 years of musical study.
More than half of those with a music background studied piano, about one-quarter played woodwind instruments such as the flute or clarinet, and others played string instruments, percussion or brass instruments.
The participants -- who had similar fitness and education levels and were free of Alzheimer's disease -- were given several cognitive tests. Those with the greatest amount of musical experience did best on these tests of mental acuity, followed by those with less musical study and those who never took music lessons.
Compared to non-musicians, the people with a high degree of musical experience had much higher scores on the cognitive tests, including those related to visuospatial memory, naming objects, and the brain's ability to adapt to new information (cognitive flexibility).
The benefits of musical study were still apparent even in those who no longer played an instrument, the researchers said.
The study appears online in the journal Neuropsychology.
"Musical activity throughout life may serve as a challenging cognitive exercise, making your brain fitter and more capable of accommodating the challenges of aging," lead researcher Brenda Hanna-Pladdy said in a journal news release.
Hanna-Pladdy, now an assistant professor in neurology at Emory University School of Medicine, added, "Since studying an instrument requires years of practice and learning, it may create alternate connections in the brain that could compensate for cognitive declines as we get older."
The Society for Neuroscience outlines ways to keep your brain healthy as you age.
SOURCE: Neuropsychology, news release, April 20, 2011
Copyright ©2011 HealthDay. All rights reserved.
Caring.com
MONDAY, April 25 (HealthDay News) -- Music lessons may help keep the brain healthy as people grow older, a new study suggests.
Researchers from the University of Kansas Medical Center divided 70 healthy adults, ages 60 to 83, into three groups based on their amount of musical experience: no musical training, one to nine years of music lessons, and at least 10 years of musical study.
More than half of those with a music background studied piano, about one-quarter played woodwind instruments such as the flute or clarinet, and others played string instruments, percussion or brass instruments.
The participants -- who had similar fitness and education levels and were free of Alzheimer's disease -- were given several cognitive tests. Those with the greatest amount of musical experience did best on these tests of mental acuity, followed by those with less musical study and those who never took music lessons.
Compared to non-musicians, the people with a high degree of musical experience had much higher scores on the cognitive tests, including those related to visuospatial memory, naming objects, and the brain's ability to adapt to new information (cognitive flexibility).
The benefits of musical study were still apparent even in those who no longer played an instrument, the researchers said.
The study appears online in the journal Neuropsychology.
"Musical activity throughout life may serve as a challenging cognitive exercise, making your brain fitter and more capable of accommodating the challenges of aging," lead researcher Brenda Hanna-Pladdy said in a journal news release.
Hanna-Pladdy, now an assistant professor in neurology at Emory University School of Medicine, added, "Since studying an instrument requires years of practice and learning, it may create alternate connections in the brain that could compensate for cognitive declines as we get older."
The Society for Neuroscience outlines ways to keep your brain healthy as you age.
SOURCE: Neuropsychology, news release, April 20, 2011
Copyright ©2011 HealthDay. All rights reserved.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Music & Aging Quote
Image by all that improbable blue via Flickr"Musical activity throughout life may serve as a challenging cognitive exercise, making your brain fitter and more capable of accommodating the challenges of aging." - Brenda Hanna-Pladdy, PhD, a clinical neuropsychologist
Friday, April 22, 2011
Keeping The Love Alive: The Power of "I Love You" from The Alzheimer's Reading Room
A repost from The Alzheimer's Reading Room.
Keeping The Love Alive: The Power of "I Love You"
We didn't.
My mom and I were never close. That changed when I hit my mid-forties. I don't generally select the normal route through life, but my experiences caused me to go with the flow. I had my very own mid-life crisis. I decided to challenge my mom to fully step into the role of mom to help me through it. Her life experiences had deeply damaged her, and I'd been cautioned by her parents and her brothers to not put any pressure on her to do more than she did.
My mom and I were never close. That changed when I hit my mid-forties. I don't generally select the normal route through life, but my experiences caused me to go with the flow. I had my very own mid-life crisis. I decided to challenge my mom to fully step into the role of mom to help me through it. Her life experiences had deeply damaged her, and I'd been cautioned by her parents and her brothers to not put any pressure on her to do more than she did.
Well, her parents were now dead. So was her younger brother. Her older brother lived thousands of miles away. What did I have to lose"
I told her, "Mom, I'm going through a tough time and I need a mom. The family has always taught me not to put pressure on you. They told me you were a porcelain doll. They're dead now. You're still here. That tells me something important. I think you can handle it now. Will you be my mom and help me?"
Bless her, she stepped up to the challenge. We gradually formed a close bond with each other, made that much sweeter because it took over forty years to develop.
I decided, only forty-three years into our relationship, that it was time for us to say "I love you" to each other. The words awkwardly rolled off my tongue the first few times I said them to her. You'd think I was speaking a foreign language. I was. I didn't ask her to do it, but she eventually began to say the words back to me.
Wow, that felt weird. We'd never done that before. But the more we said it to each other, the better it felt to me. We got into the habit of ending each phone conversation by saying "I love you." It took her longer than it took me for it to feel good to her, but after enough time passed, I felt the happiness in her voice when she said it back to me. When we saw each other, we'd say it before we went to sleep. We got used to ending our days saying it to each other. It felt wonderful to finally have that kind of relationship with my mom, that we could say those powerful words to each other.
Then she fell.
My mom's head injury made her different.
She'd still say "I love you" to me, but the words now carried more fear than love. "I love you" now meant "Will you still be there for me, even though we both know I'm not what I used to be?"
No problem. True love never dies.
The head injury triggered the onset of dementia.
We'd still say the words to each other each day. We both needed to hear them, and we both needed to say them.
When I was no longer able to care for her, I said the words more often to her. Thank you, guilt.
I wanted her to know I still loved her even though I was unable to give her the care she now needed. It was so hard for me to hand her over to the care of strangers, even though I knew it was the right thing for both of us. The only words I now had to connect our hearts was "I love you." She always said it back to me. I knew she didn't judge me for what I was unable to do, even though I judged myself.
When she moved into the memory care unit at the assisted living facility, I made a point of saying the words at the end of each conversation. I'd have to say them louder now. There were constant distractions around her. It was hard for her to stay focused on what I was saying.
Her dementia and related conditions were slowly getting worse. Her deterioration never got in the way of our saying the words to each other. I'd walk into the living room at her facility to visit with her. Her eyes sparkled, and a big smile brightened her face when she saw me. She'd call out my name with the greatest joy. "SHERYL!!!!!"
Her love for me warmed all who saw us together. She'd become so loving when the clouds created by the illness parted to allow her true self to show through. After a lifetime of being afraid of being hurt by opening her heart to love, she radiated love.
On February 9 of this year, I got the phone call I knew would eventually come. The nurse at the facility told me my mom was dying and asked what decisions I wanted to make for end of life care. Her doctor, her nurse and I decided to keep her as comfortable as possible in her own bed. Hospice showed up within a few hours. They provided her with magnificent care. The staff loved my mom. They grieved her imminent death along with me and gave her beautiful support during her final days.
I drove way over the speed limit to get to her in time. I called her facility while I was driving to her. The nurse held her cell phone to my mom's ear so I could ask her to hold on if she possibly could, that I was on my way, that I loved her so much. The nurse said my mom smiled when she heard my voice, and her smile got bigger when I said "I love you." By the time I got to her, she was in a coma. I held her hand, saying everything I wanted to say to her during the next days. I'd wanted a two-way conversation. I'd wanted to hear her say "I love you" to me one more time. That didn't happen.
I knew she heard me, and I knew she knew I was there. She fluttered her eyelids when I spoke. One time, she sat upright in bed when I came to visit. I brought valentines each day and read them aloud to her. I knew this would be the last Valentine's Day we'd have together and wanted her to know how much I loved her.
I brought her colorful balloons that said "Happy Valentine's Day" and "I Love You" on them. My spiritual sister, who suddenly passed away five weeks after my mom, had suggested I get myself some balloons before my mom became ill. I brought those balloons with me. They floated to the ceiling, symbols of my love to stay with my mom when I was away from her bedside.
She passed away on February 13. The funeral and burial, in keeping with Jewish tradition, took place the next day. Valentine's Day.
I didn't get a chance to thank all her caregivers after she passed away. They treated her with the love and respect I'd wanted for her. One of her caregivers, a beautiful young woman named Penny, was on duty when I called about a month ago. Penny knew how difficult it was for me to be away from my mom for financial reasons. She'd left her family in Africa to move to America to make money to send home.
I thanked Penny for all she'd done to help my mom. I told her she was one of my mom's favorites and that I felt a special connection with her as well.
And Penny gave me a great and unexpected gift. She read my mind, and she read my heart.
She said, "Your mother knew how much you loved her. She always said to me, 'I know Sheryl loves me because she always says it to me when she gets off the phone."
My mom was unable to speak these words to me at the end of her life. Thank God that Penny could.
Never underestimate the power of saying "I love you" to your loved ones, with or without dementia.
Sheryl Lynn is the author of the upcoming book "The Light Is A Thank You," which chronicles the spiritual journey through dementia she has taken with her mother, Eleanor. She is the host of "Glow With The Flow Radio Show," currently on hiatus.
Keeping The Love Alive: The Power of "I Love You"
When I was growing up, my parents and I never said "I love you" to each other. Some families say things like "I love you" to each other. Some families don't...
Sheryl Lynn
Alzheimer's Reading Room
We didn't.
My mom and I were never close. That changed when I hit my mid-forties. I don't generally select the normal route through life, but my experiences caused me to go with the flow. I had my very own mid-life crisis. I decided to challenge my mom to fully step into the role of mom to help me through it. Her life experiences had deeply damaged her, and I'd been cautioned by her parents and her brothers to not put any pressure on her to do more than she did.
My mom and I were never close. That changed when I hit my mid-forties. I don't generally select the normal route through life, but my experiences caused me to go with the flow. I had my very own mid-life crisis. I decided to challenge my mom to fully step into the role of mom to help me through it. Her life experiences had deeply damaged her, and I'd been cautioned by her parents and her brothers to not put any pressure on her to do more than she did.
Well, her parents were now dead. So was her younger brother. Her older brother lived thousands of miles away. What did I have to lose"
I told her, "Mom, I'm going through a tough time and I need a mom. The family has always taught me not to put pressure on you. They told me you were a porcelain doll. They're dead now. You're still here. That tells me something important. I think you can handle it now. Will you be my mom and help me?"
Bless her, she stepped up to the challenge. We gradually formed a close bond with each other, made that much sweeter because it took over forty years to develop.
I decided, only forty-three years into our relationship, that it was time for us to say "I love you" to each other. The words awkwardly rolled off my tongue the first few times I said them to her. You'd think I was speaking a foreign language. I was. I didn't ask her to do it, but she eventually began to say the words back to me.
Wow, that felt weird. We'd never done that before. But the more we said it to each other, the better it felt to me. We got into the habit of ending each phone conversation by saying "I love you." It took her longer than it took me for it to feel good to her, but after enough time passed, I felt the happiness in her voice when she said it back to me. When we saw each other, we'd say it before we went to sleep. We got used to ending our days saying it to each other. It felt wonderful to finally have that kind of relationship with my mom, that we could say those powerful words to each other.
Then she fell.
My mom's head injury made her different.
She'd still say "I love you" to me, but the words now carried more fear than love. "I love you" now meant "Will you still be there for me, even though we both know I'm not what I used to be?"
No problem. True love never dies.
The head injury triggered the onset of dementia.
We'd still say the words to each other each day. We both needed to hear them, and we both needed to say them.
When I was no longer able to care for her, I said the words more often to her. Thank you, guilt.
I wanted her to know I still loved her even though I was unable to give her the care she now needed. It was so hard for me to hand her over to the care of strangers, even though I knew it was the right thing for both of us. The only words I now had to connect our hearts was "I love you." She always said it back to me. I knew she didn't judge me for what I was unable to do, even though I judged myself.
When she moved into the memory care unit at the assisted living facility, I made a point of saying the words at the end of each conversation. I'd have to say them louder now. There were constant distractions around her. It was hard for her to stay focused on what I was saying.
Her dementia and related conditions were slowly getting worse. Her deterioration never got in the way of our saying the words to each other. I'd walk into the living room at her facility to visit with her. Her eyes sparkled, and a big smile brightened her face when she saw me. She'd call out my name with the greatest joy. "SHERYL!!!!!"
Her love for me warmed all who saw us together. She'd become so loving when the clouds created by the illness parted to allow her true self to show through. After a lifetime of being afraid of being hurt by opening her heart to love, she radiated love.
On February 9 of this year, I got the phone call I knew would eventually come. The nurse at the facility told me my mom was dying and asked what decisions I wanted to make for end of life care. Her doctor, her nurse and I decided to keep her as comfortable as possible in her own bed. Hospice showed up within a few hours. They provided her with magnificent care. The staff loved my mom. They grieved her imminent death along with me and gave her beautiful support during her final days.
I drove way over the speed limit to get to her in time. I called her facility while I was driving to her. The nurse held her cell phone to my mom's ear so I could ask her to hold on if she possibly could, that I was on my way, that I loved her so much. The nurse said my mom smiled when she heard my voice, and her smile got bigger when I said "I love you." By the time I got to her, she was in a coma. I held her hand, saying everything I wanted to say to her during the next days. I'd wanted a two-way conversation. I'd wanted to hear her say "I love you" to me one more time. That didn't happen.
I knew she heard me, and I knew she knew I was there. She fluttered her eyelids when I spoke. One time, she sat upright in bed when I came to visit. I brought valentines each day and read them aloud to her. I knew this would be the last Valentine's Day we'd have together and wanted her to know how much I loved her.
I brought her colorful balloons that said "Happy Valentine's Day" and "I Love You" on them. My spiritual sister, who suddenly passed away five weeks after my mom, had suggested I get myself some balloons before my mom became ill. I brought those balloons with me. They floated to the ceiling, symbols of my love to stay with my mom when I was away from her bedside.
She passed away on February 13. The funeral and burial, in keeping with Jewish tradition, took place the next day. Valentine's Day.
I didn't get a chance to thank all her caregivers after she passed away. They treated her with the love and respect I'd wanted for her. One of her caregivers, a beautiful young woman named Penny, was on duty when I called about a month ago. Penny knew how difficult it was for me to be away from my mom for financial reasons. She'd left her family in Africa to move to America to make money to send home.
I thanked Penny for all she'd done to help my mom. I told her she was one of my mom's favorites and that I felt a special connection with her as well.
And Penny gave me a great and unexpected gift. She read my mind, and she read my heart.
She said, "Your mother knew how much you loved her. She always said to me, 'I know Sheryl loves me because she always says it to me when she gets off the phone."
My mom was unable to speak these words to me at the end of her life. Thank God that Penny could.
Never underestimate the power of saying "I love you" to your loved ones, with or without dementia.
Sheryl Lynn is the author of the upcoming book "The Light Is A Thank You," which chronicles the spiritual journey through dementia she has taken with her mother, Eleanor. She is the host of "Glow With The Flow Radio Show," currently on hiatus.
Strategies To Help Ease Communication Struggles
Repost from
Ability for Life
Alzheimer’s Disease and Communication Strategies to help ease Communication Struggles
Posted in Aging at Home on February 8, 2011 by Kathy
Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia often make communication attempts downright depressing. With short-term memory loss, it can become painful to connect with someone who seems ‘not there.’ However: there are strategies and tools that can turn darkness into light. What it often takes is a change of attitude, perspective and expectations on the part of the family.
The Alzheimer’s Reading Room gives 10 tips for communicating with Alzheimer’s patients, including: “Keep an even and upbeat tone: As other senses diminish, Alzheimer’s patients are hyper tuned into emotions and may mirror yours if you’re impatient, upset, anxious or angry.”
The Alzheimer’s patient often asks the same question. Over and over. Consider note-writing to make this less stressful for both of you. Yes, a simple ‘text message’ on paper can relieve the burden of short-term memory loss. A Parade Magazine article shows the positive effect of literally writing answers to questions that get asked a million times and giving them to the patient.
Doing something that gives purpose is a universal need, and can make a huge difference in connecting and communicating with Alzheimer’s patients. Purpose takes many forms, as care-giver Tina Murphy illustrates in her creative solutions to her father in law’s need for ‘purpose’.
Creativity is a wonderful outlet that gives purpose and provides a mechanism for communicating:the DVD I remember better when I paint shows the power of creative expression bypassing limitations. A doctor reminds us: before children can properly express their feelings in words, artwork can speak for them. Another organization, Artists for Alzheimer’s is dedicated to the impact of the arts while Music Therapist, Amy Clement Cortez uses music to communicate feelings and foster relationships.
Memory Bridge is devoted to finding and keeping the human inside the disease. Watch videos on the Memory Bridge Facebook page, and learn as Naomi Feil unlocks the person inside and communicates through touch, being in tune with physical ‘cues’ and a gospel song.
The Alzheimer’s Association “Principles for a Dignified Diagnosis of Dementia” includes a reminder that “Alzheimer’s is a journey, not a destination.“
Take away:
Meet the Alzheimer’s patient where ‘they’ are: don’t argue or try to convince them
Remember: it’s worse for them than for you
There’s still a person locked inside
Christina Pochmursky TV Producer/Director, whose mother had Alzheimer’s said “Get over what you’re feeling. What they’re feeling is more important.”
I’ll welcome adding other communication strategies .
©Kathy Kastner
Ability for Life
Alzheimer’s Disease and Communication Strategies to help ease Communication Struggles
Posted in Aging at Home on February 8, 2011 by Kathy
Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia often make communication attempts downright depressing. With short-term memory loss, it can become painful to connect with someone who seems ‘not there.’ However: there are strategies and tools that can turn darkness into light. What it often takes is a change of attitude, perspective and expectations on the part of the family.
The Alzheimer’s Reading Room gives 10 tips for communicating with Alzheimer’s patients, including: “Keep an even and upbeat tone: As other senses diminish, Alzheimer’s patients are hyper tuned into emotions and may mirror yours if you’re impatient, upset, anxious or angry.”
The Alzheimer’s patient often asks the same question. Over and over. Consider note-writing to make this less stressful for both of you. Yes, a simple ‘text message’ on paper can relieve the burden of short-term memory loss. A Parade Magazine article shows the positive effect of literally writing answers to questions that get asked a million times and giving them to the patient.
Doing something that gives purpose is a universal need, and can make a huge difference in connecting and communicating with Alzheimer’s patients. Purpose takes many forms, as care-giver Tina Murphy illustrates in her creative solutions to her father in law’s need for ‘purpose’.
Creativity is a wonderful outlet that gives purpose and provides a mechanism for communicating:the DVD I remember better when I paint shows the power of creative expression bypassing limitations. A doctor reminds us: before children can properly express their feelings in words, artwork can speak for them. Another organization, Artists for Alzheimer’s is dedicated to the impact of the arts while Music Therapist, Amy Clement Cortez uses music to communicate feelings and foster relationships.
Memory Bridge is devoted to finding and keeping the human inside the disease. Watch videos on the Memory Bridge Facebook page, and learn as Naomi Feil unlocks the person inside and communicates through touch, being in tune with physical ‘cues’ and a gospel song.
The Alzheimer’s Association “Principles for a Dignified Diagnosis of Dementia” includes a reminder that “Alzheimer’s is a journey, not a destination.“
Take away:
Meet the Alzheimer’s patient where ‘they’ are: don’t argue or try to convince them
Remember: it’s worse for them than for you
There’s still a person locked inside
Christina Pochmursky TV Producer/Director, whose mother had Alzheimer’s said “Get over what you’re feeling. What they’re feeling is more important.”
I’ll welcome adding other communication strategies .
©Kathy Kastner
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Why worry about elder abuse?
Image by United Way of the Lower Mainland via Flickr"If you know 20 seniors, one of them is being abused."
~ testimony by Dr. Mark Lachs before the Senate Aging Committee
1 in 42 cases are reported.
Be the eyes, ears, and most of all, the VOICE!
Aging.Senate.gov
Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
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